Dept. of Pain

[kaffy_r]

Okay, This Is New. And Awful

As I was getting ready for my birthday union meeting this morning, I turned to pick up some clothing on the floor. 

Bad move. Really, really bad move. My lower right back seized in pain, a pinpoint knife-like pain that stopped my breath, and made me cry out. It was a pain I've occasionally felt before, although it's not the area of my back where the pain leads to spasms. I thought to myself, "OK, I pinched a nerve somehow. It'll get better." That was reasonable to expect, since previous, less painful twinges had disappeared within 24 hours. 

I was able to get in my car and drive to the union meeting, although it got increasingly more painful throughout that time. I came home, and decided to lie down with a heating pad on the back; again, a reasonable thing to do, since that's helped my various back problems in the past. 

Then I tried to get up. 

Jesus Christ on a fucking crutch, it hurt so bad I couldn't straighten up. It hurt so bad that I couldn't think straight enough to try to straighten up. It hurt so bad that I thought I was going to fall over, and that would have hurt even more. I called to Bob and he came in, but he couldn't help me out of the crouch I was in. My breath stopped, and I had enough presence of mind to wonder if the pain ever would. 

Somehow I got up, and the pain was gone, as if it had never been; all that was left was the panting, and the desire to cry, but not the energy. 

And as long as I didn't get back down, as long as I stood or slowly leveraged myself up or down in a chair, everything was manageable. The pain didn't exist, or it was only there as an echo. 

But move one way or another - one of those little muscle moves that one can't quantify, because it probably involves muscular movement so minute that the conscious mind doesn't register it - and the pain appears out of the dark dimension, full fledged, with the knife deep into every cell of my back. It happened just before I started this post, when I stood up and reached for something I needed. 

I'm supposed to be at a layoff meeting tomorrow morning, and I should be there, because the other union folks there need watching. But I can't. I'm afraid to go to bed, because I know I'll need help getting out of the bed to go to the bathroom at night, to get up tomorrow morning, and I'm afraid everything will hurt so much that I can't get my deadline stories done. And I'm, stupidly, irrationally, afraid that my bosses won't believe me, because this happened on the weekend and I'm now unable to work on the first day of the week. 

Gah. I can't even say that this is a result of not doing my back exercises, because this pain isn't the kind that the exercises were meant to prevent. At least I don't think so ... I'm afraid I've put on enough weight that I'm not accounting for as I walk and sit, etc., and maybe that's the reason for this. And I hate the idea that I'm to blame for this, but it's probably the truth. 

But I did, oddly, have a good birthday after the union meeting. BB and FB and I went out to the huge Korean multi-mart in suburban Chicago, which was exactly what I wanted to do; I ate Korean dumplings, and we got far too many Japanese/Korean sweets and garlic tofu cakes and yummy things. That's really all I wanted for my birthday, and that part of my day was wonderful. 

Now if only this fucking (probable) pinched nerve would bloody unpinch itself, I would be grateful to the universe. Because dear, sweet lord, the pain .... 

Comments

[editrx]

I'm glad your birthday part of the day went well. As someone with a terrible back (putting it lightly) ever since I broken it in 1988 and now so bad I spend about 98% of my time reclining or in bed (which isn't improving it any, but stops me from screaming or literally wetting myself -- nice side effect there...), I can only say I sympathize. And I wish I could do more than that. Are you going to see your doctor about it?

[kaffy_r]

I was going to see my doctor, but after being kept on hold for about 10 minutes yesterday, and getting no response from the email I sent, I gave it up as a bad job, and figured I'd tough it out as much as I could. I am feeling better and more able to move today, although I still hurt when I move the wrong way. I'm guessing that myh very unprofessional estimate - of a pinched nerve that would gradually unpinch as muscles stopped swelling around it - may be close to the truth.

Your pain? I couldn't stand it. I'm kind of in awe of you.

[editrx]

Some days my pain really is excruciating to the point where I can't move. Can't even roll over. But most days the pain is literally being controlled by my brain at this point which has had *severe* pain since I broke my back in 1988 and filters it to a point where I go "yeah, I'm in pain ... I'll just sit here for a bit." And then I can walk for a few more feet.

[kaffy_r]

The way you handle your back pain sounds like the way I used to deal with my migraines at the height of their severity, back a few decades ago. It comes down to being so used to pain that you forge an uneasy truce with it, I think.

[lilacsigil]

Not your fault! You can't control every single tiny muscle and nerve in your back and what they're going to do when! And sometimes strengthening one part of the body exposes weaknesses in other parts, which sucks.

And when your bosses and their representatives have been treating everyone so badly, no wonder that you're not expecting any human decency from them, like accepting that a long-term employee has an injury on a Monday!

[kaffy_r]

Bless you - your comments made me feel better on Monday, and I definitely needed to feel better.

[thisbluespirit]

Aw, I'm so sorry to hear that. *hugs*

I suppose you could always go in and prove it's true with a re-performance in the office, but possibly that's even sillier. I hope the doctor or someone can help. <3

[kaffy_r]

but possibly that's even sillier.

I'd be up for that - except yesterday, I couldn't even get into my car; the motions necessary for ducking into the car were so painful that I kind of embarrassed myself by yelling and staggering, just as someone passed by, walking their dog. Ah, well, perhaps I was their evening entertainment?

[owlboy]

Oof. It sounds like you tore a ligament. Nasty

[kaffy_r]

That thought made all the blood drain from my face. Luckily (I think), the pain is lessening today so I think that my guess about a pinched nerve and some swollen musculature around it might be true. It seems to be unpinching. I may even be able to sleep tonight without all the drugs I've had to take Sunday and Monday night. Go, me.

[owlboy]

have u put ice on it?

[kaffy_r]

I put heat on it, which is probably all wrong for cutting swelling, but was very helpful in relaxing my back, which helped - along with the drugs - to let me sleep.

[clocketpatch]

Yikes. The Japanese and Korean sweets at least sound good.

[kaffy_r]

They were (and are) wonderful; mochi cakes with sweet bean fillings and fruit flavors, and the moon cakes have lotus seeds in them.

[liadt]

I'm so sorry to hear about your back and on your birthday too:(

The eating part of your birthday sounded yummy and belated Birthday wishes, I wish they could bring you something to help *hugs*

[kaffy_r]

Thanks for your thoughts and your good wishes; I did have a good birthday, and today my back is much better. Which is good, since calling the doctor yesterday just resulted in me being put on hold, which made me so angry I hung up and didn't try again. Not very logical of me, I know, but pain makes you a lot less patient.

Anyhow, as I said, it seems to be getting better. Fingers crossed.

[liadt]

I am relieved your pain is lessoning as the pain sounded truly awful:(

[kaffy_r]

It was truly awful. I don't believe I've felt pain like that for some time. There were a couple of times in my youth when I had situations that were extremely painful, but those were decades in the past, and of a different nature.

[eve11]

Happy birthday! And yikes, I hope that whatever got pinched goes on and unpinches itself post haste. Even though US medicine is horrible at helping chronic weird pain, you might try going to the doctor anyway to see if there is something you can do for it :(

[kaffy_r]

Thanks for the birthday greeting! I tried calling the doctor once yesterday, and was kept on hold for 10 minutes. As I told liadt, pain made me very impatient, and I hung up rather precipitously at that point, and never called back. Today is better than yesterday, so my thought that it could be a pinched nerve that would gradually unpinch may be the right guess. We'll see.

[dewline]

*winces*

[kaffy_r]

Thanks. It's feeling better now. I hope you're doing well today.

[sarren]

Ouch, hope whatever is pinched fixes itself soon.

[kaffy_r]

It seems to be on the way to fixing itself, which is good, since I got put on hold for 10 minutes by the doctor yesterday, and didn't try getting to her again after that.

[bibliofile]

OW DNW!

Meanwhile, happy belated birthday.

[kaffy_r]

I'm very happy to report that the pain is almost gone!