Dept. of Bodies and Bodies of Work

[kaffy_r]

Humiliations Past and Present

First off: Just wanted to let everyone know how much I hate what scleroderma does to my body from time to time. Really, really hate it. All diseases, from the little ones to the big awful ones, have one thing in common: in addition to attacking our body and trying their damnedest to weaken or kill us, they also insult and belittle us, making us realize that our bodies are an embarrassing collection of viscous fluids and semi-solids that are, more often than not, bad smelling, and gases that are predisposed to escape at the most inopportune times. In short, they remind us that we are not only risible in the eyes of the universe, but apt to be the subject of cosmic pointing and jeering until its inevitable heat death.

And now that we've covered the humiliations of the body, we can move on, with a smile that more closely resembles a rictus, to the humiliations of the mind. 

To be more precise, we can meditate on the experience of opening an old — a very old — box that once held typing paper, and finding finished pieces of original short fiction written, sent out to editors, and sent back in politely masked disdain ("we regret that your story does not meet our current needs") more than 30 years ago.

I read the four or five stories in the box with a certain degree of embarrassed horror. Dear god, I was a bad writer when I was 25. The language I used was stilted (I remember people telling me that, and not believing them. Because I was an idiot, an oblivious idiot.) I was careless — even the finished manuscripts had misspelled and missing words. And the titles of the stories ... oh, dear lord, they were pretentious, and that's the best I can say about them.

Still, I decided that there were a couple that might be salvageable. Some had very intriguing concepts at the core, and there were glimpses of maturity when it came to the inter-character communications. The language wasn't always overwrought, I thought, and it was altogether possible that the stories could be polished and turned into good quality fiction.

So this afternoon, I typed two of them in to the computer. And with each sentence I typed, I became more and more convinced that there was no way in hell either of these pieces of crap could be saved. It was likely that they might not even be exorcised. Some of the work was so excruciatingly bad that I had to change it as I typed, even before plunging into heavy weight structural rehab and long, long before I did anything as superficial as serious editing.

I have been thoroughly chastened.

On to Monday, (figuratively speaking since we're already in Monday,) in an effort to regain my composure and self-respect ....

Comments

[kerravonsen]

Oh dear. My sympathies.

[kaffy_r]

Thanks. I'm feeling much better about myself this morning - probably at least in part because I was able to whinge about it.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

Working closely with a lot of elderly, disabled and sick folk over the years, I've gotten pretty blasé about body stuff. Shit happens, and it happens to everybody. It kinda surprises me when someone is embarrassed about body stuff. And then I get reminded that not everyone is me. *hugs*

Ok, I gotta tell you this story.

My very first client was a fellow named Dennis. He had broken his neck diving into murky, shallow water. He was 28 when I met him.

I didn't know anything about being an aide. Dennis taught me everything, flat on his back, explaining and teaching me what to do as I did it. The first morning I went in, he was in bed. He told me to gently pull the pillows out that were cradling his body, pull the sheet back and straighten his arms and legs out.

When I pulled back the sheet, his whole body went into convulsions. "It's okay," he got out past the shaking. "It's the stimulation. The nerves below the break can still feel things, and sometimes they go crazy." He was naked under the sheet. As the tremors calmed, I noticed that he had a huge erection. Well, I was only 19, so I guess you could say that I was rather entranced.

He grinned. "It does that, too. Doesn't mean anything, though. Best to just ignore it."

I have learned so much from Dennis and all the clients since -- what it is to be human, patience, kindness, stillness, equanimity --- I would not be the person I am today without those teachings.

About those stories! Ooooh! You gonna share? Also, I am way jealous. I wish I still had some of my early stuff.

[kaffy_r]

Thank you, my dear. I wish I had the equanimity that Dennis had; perhaps I shall gain it (I certainly don't have to deal with the kind of strictures life handed him); it will take time because some of the problems that I'm dealing with connect to emotional hot buttons over which I have, as yet, far less control than I'd like. Still, I'm trying to make the effort.

As for the stories ... I will probably share later, after they've been cared for and nursed at least partway back to structural and content health. Right now, I wouldn't show them to Adam's off-aunt.

[sallymn.livejournal.com]

I so know the cringing feeling when one reads the stuff one thought was so good when one was young... though I got rid of most of mine.

[kaffy_r]

I think there is another box, filled with unfinished stuff, floating around the place. That stuff may be even worse than what I found in this box, god help me. Heh.

[maruad.livejournal.com]

Wait till you find the poetry you wrote as a teen.

[kaffy_r]

Oh, I'm not even going to let myself think about that. That's two or three tokes over the line. Heh.

[viomisehunt.livejournal.com]

I do understand how you feel and hugs. My past stuff, I cringe each time I read the ones that say, we are not looking for an article on this, but would you be willing to research and write about.... and knowing I never got back to them. No need to stop trying. Just find out what you know about that people want to read and write it.

[kaffy_r]

Thanks. The challenge will be to see if I can take these past fiction attempts and turn them into something of which I can be proud now.

[viomisehunt.livejournal.com]

Be certain to balance that creative energy with rest. I have a chronic ailment also, and understand about pain, and the body not cooperating when the mind is racing with ideas and projects. We just have to learn to balance. My Grandmother and Frida Kahlo are my inspiration. You can always do a little yoga, Tai chi or just basic stretching , yard work helps me, then between work (as in job) and communicating on the PC, know when to take your art to bed and when to kick your art out of the bed and just enjoy letting your body rest.

[kaffy_r]

Living with chronic stuff is a never-ending process of adjustment, isn't it? You have a couple of very good inspirations there. Good luck with your continuing effort.

know when to take your art to bed and when to kick your art out of the bed

I really like this phrase! It encapsulates an incredibly practical philosophy; if more of us practiced it, fewer of us would get into creative lathers that we didn't need to. Thanks for this!

[clocketpatch]

Reading old stuff is the most cringingly embarrassing exercise, though I suppose it's a good kind of embarrassment, because it means you've grown rather than just nodding at your own mistakes without any kind of progression.

[kaffy_r]

This is the first time I've actually considered taking old writing out and working with it, using whatever improvements I've made to my abilities over the last 30 years. I'm simultaneously excited and unnerved by the process.

[othermewriter.livejournal.com]

Sorry dear, I know how this goes and sympathize. I may not have scleroderma but I do have asthma so understand the chronic annoyance. As to the fiction I actually haven't looked at the box that I have my old fiction in for just that reason, the fear of what I will find in terms of what I once thought was brilliant writing. HUGGGS on both counts.

[kaffy_r]

Thank you so much for the hugs - they are appreciated on both counts. I can sympathize with you on the asthma, since that's something I and my family have dealt with. Not being able to breathe easily can easily escalate from just being an annoyance to being far worse. I hope your asthma is well under control!