Dept. of Reawakening

[kaffy_r]

Hello Again

For so long I haven"t wanted to post - or perhaps more accurately, I've wanted to post, but haven't been able to. Lacking emotional spoons, I suppose. It's a battle to write for work. It's a battle to communicate with my beloved, because my brain's so empty and, despite what some folks say, without a brain you can't express your heart. It's a battle to keep the house clean, even when I have the time; it's hard to think, hard to be creative, hard to connect with other people unless I absolutely have to. 

In short, I am, apparently, pretty depressed.

There's no medication I can take, or adjust, to deal with this. I'm already on meds that have stood me in good stead for some time, and the last time I checked with my shrink, he evinced no interest in changing them, nor did he seem to think I needed any change. Right now, I don't have the energy to consider changing shrinks, so I simply have to battle - there's that word again - myself out of this.

One way to battle depression is to list some of the things I've been doing that are either positive, good, or even funny or remotely out of the ordinary. 

So let's go: 

I've ordered and received five pounds of premium buckwheat hulls. I have therefore been able to refill my three Korean neck pillows, a necessity as the buckwheat hulls break down and the pillows lose their rigidity. I love my neck pillows. I can't sleep without one. 

I've worked on Chapter 28, as I mentioned. 

I've started watching Season 7 of Game of Thrones (many thanks to FB, who gave me his HBO Go password, and with whom I fangirl thereafter.) BB finally admitted that he wasn't in the least interested in watching Seasons 2 through 6 with me, so I'll watch those at my leisure. It's actually a relief; I'd strongly suspected that BB didn't want to watch, and kept telling him he didn't need to, but for the longest time he insisted that he was fine with watching it. 

We're refinancing the condo, something I'm not sure I've mentioned before. I was already going to be in my 70s before the mortgage was up, so extending it out longer, for lower monthly payments and lower interest rates, was a good idea. Many thanks to BB for taking the initiative on that with our mortgage holder. 

We finally, finally got started on getting our wills set up. There's more work to be done, but we've started, and that's a big deal. 

I've gotten through the first season of Sense8, and am embarking on the second season. It's brilliant. 

And there; that's all I can get myself to write about.

How have all of you been?

 

Comments

[masakochan]

My sympathies on the medication sometimes not being enough to keep the depression tides away. :(

I've been mostly fine, but I can relate a bit to the apathy.

Oh! Though I did recently get a ticket to go see a Rifftrax presentation of the 25th DW anniversary 'The Five Doctors' at the local theater. I'm still debating on if I want to cosplay as Eleven when I go to it. x]

[eve11]

There is one of these Rifftrax things near me as well. I was thinking of going. Five Doctors is a classic but also really rather silly :)

[kaffy_r]

I surprised myself with this post; it started out just as a "Gee, I haven't had much to post about" comment and ended up showing me that I was more depressed than I realized. In a way, typing it up generated a very minor revelation to me. I'm going to try to use that to my advantage.

I hope your apathy dissipates along with my depression, and if that happens because you attended the Rifftrax "The Five Doctors", so much more fun! (And yes, you should go as Eleven - at least you have one vote from this corner of the world!)

[lilacsigil]

Good sleep can't hurt, even if it doesn't cure.

[kaffy_r]

You're right about that. I generally have gotten regular sleep over the last while, heading to bed anywhere between 9:45 p.m. and 10:30 p.m., and getting up around 7:30 a.m., which provides me more hours of regular sleep than I used to get in my younger years.

Lately, however, it never seems like enough, and I suspect that's because the depression wants me to stay in bed to avoid the day.

[maruad]

Funny thing. I was thinking about buckwheat earlier today. Farmers in Manitoba used to grow it (I don't know if they still do or not). The first time I heard of buckwheat was when my brother-in-law used it in the phrase "do you want me to show you where the bear shit in the buckwheat", which was a way of threatening to beat someone. Don't ask me, I don't make them up, I just repeat them.

Anyway I was thinking about how the area, around Ethelbert (Manitoba), was known for it's buckwheat honey. If buckwheat is good for bees and it is easy to plant then I was wondering if it would make a good addition to a bee friendly garden (one that can be harvested and eaten ever year). I know people of Ukrainian descent would use it in cabbage rolls (and other foods) and I seem to remember buckwheat was being exported to Japan (iirc).

Just some random thoughts.

[kaffy_r]

It doesn't surprise me when you mention that Japan uses buckwheat. I wonder if they use the hulls like I was using them? I note from Wikipedia that buckwheat was once a very popular crop to grow in North America, but that it's declined significantly in importance. In that, it might be like sorghum, which used to be considered a very poor peoples' food in Japan, despite sorghum being nutritious. I'm not sure about the buckwheat being a good attractant for bees; I'd go with a native plant, rather than an introduced non-native like buckwheat.

As to the comment your brother-in-law used, it's about on par with the one I heard growing up, when someone would tell another person that they basically wanted to fuck off, to "go pound sand" - it doesn't mean anything, but in the context of a conversation, everyone can tell what it means.

Fun with random thoughts, eh?

[editrx]

Hurray for writing!

I hear you about the medications. Although now I feel like I'm overmedicated: I have situations happen to me where I should and need to have an emotional response, and my only response is either flat or happy happy happy, which is just plain *wrong.*

[kaffy_r]

Yup; I'm keeping at it; the chapter has just about reached a transition point, one which I'm wondering signals the natural end of the chapter - and thus necessitating the need for the beginning of an unexpected new chapter - or whether this is still organically one chapter. We shall see.

I hope your medication fun smooths out soon, too. I think the "flat" response is the one I'd fear the most. The "happy, happy, happy" one would at least leave me connected a little better to human feelings.

[thisbluespirit]

*sends some hugs*

And be easy on yourself; nobody can help being ill. (If you were in the UK, I'd be baffled that the doctor didn't give you a sick note for a couple of weeks, but I know these things aren't that simple in the US, for which you also have my sympathies. *more hugs*)

[kaffy_r]

Thanks for the hugs - one of the best meds in the world.

Your comments about the difference between the UK and US health system reminds me that the American system is actually, sadly, very simple. It's the field in which people can make a lot of money and other people die.

Huh; I'm probably still depressed and cynical.

Argh - I'll now focus completely on your lovely hugs!

[supergee]

Depression lies. You are valuable and recognized as such.

[kaffy_r]

Thank you for reminding me about this (and depression always makes one forget that.)

[eve11]

I love when you can list weird things you've ordered because you need them for seemingly completely unrelated things. My favorite was my last job, where we needed to order 100,000 19mm ping pong balls to cover the surface of the water in a tanker trailer truck so it would show up on our sensors.

Sense8 season 1 is really good. I've watched a tiny bit of season 2 as well but need to get back into it.

I am sorry you are feeling unwell. I know for me, increased levels of general stress don't always register in me consciously but they do tend to lead to the same kinds of death-of-1000-cuts brain apathy, even when I am sleeping well. I hope things get better.

[kaffy_r]

Your ping-pong ball story is wonderful! And, yes, I love the seemingly absurd things that happen in life, that you can add to your narrative. Heh.

I'm into the second episode of Sense8 Season 2 and I am trying not to binge-watch, because I want to stretch it out as much as I can. I imagine we'll have a lot of time between now and when the closing two-hour movie is ready to view.

I know for me, increased levels of general stress don't always register in me consciously

As I said to masakochan above, I didn't realize that I was still significantly depressed until I started writing the post. But I'm determined to battle the depression, and remembering to post is one of my battle swords. Ahem.

[time_converges]

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time! I'm glad you're writing about it. You aren't alone now we're all here for you, too. *hugs *

I'm glad you're getting to watch game of thrones!

[kaffy_r]

Thanks for the hugs. I've had bad times before, but at least at my age I have a better understanding about it, and I can recognize it. Stepping beyond it is the big challenge.

And I'm so glad I've finally started watching GoT in real time. Until now, I've been watching it via recaps and video clips. Heh.

[liadt]

I'm sorry to hear about your depression.

I'm glad you have some good telly to watch and lots of buckwheat!

I'm all right, last week was busy but this week is back to normal. Except for doing art every day of August!

Yay, for fic writing. I wrote most of a ficlet today, haven't been writing much at all this year so that's fun.

[kaffy_r]

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm going to try to focus on getting beyond it, although I recognize it could be a bit difficult.

Doing art every day of August, eh? That's quite a task - is it a self-set one?

[shanghaied]

Since you asked...

Day by day, week by week, I'm withdrawing ever further from the shitehole known as the public internet (social media and what used to be called human-interest pieces, now promoted as hard news by the Beeb and its like). With every withdrawal my life improves and my happiness increases; there's no downside, since email and Wikipedia are separate from that festering puddle of naked-chimpanzee sludge. Given that my use of social media and news sites was already far lower than most people's appears to be, I can only imagine what benefits would come to heavier users who opt for withdrawal. Just saying.

Oh, and do hang on to my email address :-)

[kaffy_r]

Heh - I shall always hang on to that email address.

Given my job and my personality, it's probable that I shall always be more intimately connected with the public internet, than you have determined is helpful for you. It's not surprising, given what I think we both agree might be differences in how we view the world.

For instance, posting here, responding to people here, is something that I find helpful to the process of digging myself out of the hole of depression. When it becomes too difficult to Talk To The World in this fashion, it's a sign to me that things are badly aligned in my brain's blood chemistry balance.

Paying attention to what's going on in the world? I have been purposefully trying to avoid it, but I find that I can't. When I try to focus on good things - usually I do that by trying to focus on interesting science news, or on silly television shows - I am all too aware that the things that are going on that are bad are truly bad, and that they will have consequences for me and for those I love, and that I should, therefore, be aware of them at the very least. And being aware of them is, to put it mildly, a bit depressing. That's a conundrum I've yet to solve to my satisfaction.

[sarren]

*hug* I can't imagine the strength it takes to battle through this.

Sense8 is amazing, glad you love it too, s2 is EPIC. I was crushed when it got cancelled, but at least they've agreed to a movie to wind up the plot.

[kaffy_r]

I'm just about to hit E06 of S2, and I'm at that point where I start to think "Don't binge-watch! It'll be over too soon!"

Thanks for the hugs. Depression sucks, but I remind myself that the strength of my depression is nothing compared to others whose battles are so much harder than mine. It helps a teeny-tiny bit to keep things in perspective, when I can.

[clocketpatch]

That's not where I expected that buckwheat sentence to end! I'm not certain where I expected it to end, exactly, but I had no idea buckwheat hulls were used as pillow stuffing. Are they cooling, like rice-filled pillows are?

As to the rest, I offer you many hugs. I'm sorry your in a low place, but glad that you have people online and in rl to provide you with support as you make your way through it. Wanting to communicate but not having enough time/brain/motivation to do so is profoundly annoying.

[kaffy_r]

Are they cooling, like rice-filled pillows are?

Not particularly - but some of them have a lovely earthy smell. And, most importantly, they provide just the right stiffness that I have come to love in my pillows. Plus, unlike regular Western style pillows, when they get limp, you just get rid of some of the old flattened hulls and put new ones in, huzzah! (Mind you, I use the Korean pillow on top of a regular pillow; the regular pillow provides enough lift of my shoulders to help with my gastric reflux (TMI, I know), as well as a basic lift for the top of my head, while the Korean pillow is primarily for my neck and lower head. If that makes any sense.

And thank you so much for the hugs. They always mean more to me than I think people realize.