Dept. of Memory

[kaffy_r]

Eight Years

Not today; two days ago. Eight years ago on the 27th, Mum died. The fact that I forgot it until late yesterday threw me for a bit of a loop, with a tiny part of me suggesting that this somehow made me a bad daughter. I'm not, and that tiny part of me got swatted pretty hard in my head, retreating to some corner of my consciousness that houses the rest of my ancient and moth-eaten Baptist instincts. 

Still I wondered at my forgetting. Forgetting is not a thing I do, or at least not something I do easily. I hoard my memories, even the ones I've remembered so much, so hard, so repeatedly, that they're worn smooth as glass, and possibly no longer memories. Perhaps they're just stories now.

Do I remember Mum, or do I remember a memory of her? It's not the same thing. But could it be as worthy a way of honoring her? If she's become smooth as glass, perhaps a little translucent, like small and rounded Fundy-washed quartz pebbles, is that perhaps not so bad?

Yeah, it's at least a little bad.

She was my mother. She is my Mum. She will always be my mother. And she was more than my mother. She was Mary Glen, and she had thoughts and loves and a life apart from me, and apart from what I thought she was or wanted her to be. That's as it should be. 

So, try to remember the real woman, Kathy. She deserves it. 

I'll see her again someday, and I want to be able to tell her I did the right thing by her. 

Comments

[owlboy]

(hugs)

[kaffy_r]

Thanks. She was too beautiful not to remember rightly.

[smallhobbit]

Perhaps it's just the spike of loss which is fading while the glow of memory remains as strong.

[kaffy_r]

That's a lovely way to put it, and I shall try to remember that. Thanks.

[cmcmck]

Hugs

[kaffy_r]

Many thanks.

[chez_jae]

Forgetting (if only for a day or 2) the anniversary of your mom's death does not make you a bad daughter. It means you are letting go of your grief, and that's not a bad thing.

[kaffy_r]

I guess I thought I'd already let go of that grief, and was surprised that such a small thing could throw me for a loop. You're right, though. Thanks.

[a_phoenixdragon]

I'm sure she is nothing but proud of you - and loves you even from beyond. To be remembered is a treasure and I'm sure she knows that you keep her in your heart always; that you honor her by living the best values she instilled in you when you were growing up.

*Raises a glass to Mary Glen*

*HUGS*

[kaffy_r]

and loves you even from beyond

Thanks; I never in my life doubted that she loved me. I just wanted to be worthy of that love and I'm finally old enough to figure that I am worthy of it. It's only occasionally that I get thrown for a loop; that's what this was, and I knew it, but it was enough for me to wonder, just for a split second.

Thanks for raising a glass to her. I think she'd like you!

*hugs back*

[a_phoenixdragon]

You always have been and I am so glad that you have come to realize that. It is a hard thing to learn, that one is worthy of love and care from other people - and most especially from those we hold the dearest.

I certainly hope so! She seems the type of woman you would want to like you. :D